But then she didn't go away. She ate all of my food, stole the computer when I wanted to use it, and woke me up at 2 AM with complaints about headaches and an inability to fall asleep because my dang breathing was too loud. My breathing.
My free time became fair game. My evenings could plunge into some horrid social event at any moment. Socializing with people when it's unexpected is, for an introvert, a fate worse that death.
The house cluttered faster. The car got dirty really fast. Money disappeared from my bank account. This person then had the gall to tell me she needed me, even after I had jumped through tons of hoops for her.
Being married sucks.
In those moments, I can be angry and bitter about my needs and wants being subverted, or I can decide to throw myself under the bus and deal with it. Miraculously, my bitterness went away when I tried that, and I actually love my wife more when I defer myself.
Experimenting with this method of dealing with this person I married brought me to realize something: my life can be just as joyless as it was before I was married.
I'm not living on a higher plane of happiness or joy with her. I'm really not. My mood is entirely dependent on how willing I am to
1. Rely on God for my happiness and peace.
2. Sacrifice myself for my those around me.
If I rewind approximately three months, those two principles were just as true.
This has enormous implications.
The biggest one that comes to mind, for me, is that we glorify marriage far too much within our society, and the Christian church in general. I have plenty of single friends that now treat me like some kind of mystical creature that rarely appears.
Love people. Love God. If you become married, look for ways to glorify God in your marriage. If you are single, look for ways to glorify God in your singleness. I can guarantee that you will experience the same amount of joy and purpose in your life.
The night I stayed up with her until 2 AM could have been awful. But it wasn't. I love her a lot, and I felt so sad and protective of her that I was happy in the midst of extreme exhaustion while dealing with some mild insomnia. Yes, she takes my money, and my stuff, and my time, but I give it willingly. As soon as I try to hold on to what I want above everything else, my joy goes out the window.
She steals the computer when I want to use it and I smile and ask her if she'd like some tea while she does homework.
When my evenings are sabotaged, I can be miserable in a corner while people chat all around me like chittering squirrels, or I can use the opportunity to meet more people that my wife knows to enrich my life and, by extension, get to know what kind of person she is a little bit better.
The house gets cluttered faster, but let's be honest. I'm more at fault on that account than she is. She's been nothing but gracious to me, so I have no ground to stand on if I'm rude about that. I've been forgiven much by my wife! It's one of the reasons why I love much. (Luke 7:47)
*NOTE:
I just want to make it as clear as possible that I am still falling in love with my wife. Overall, we're doing extremely well, and I'm not just saying that! She's wonderful, and there has been so much patience and love between us. I just wanted to make the point that we should be careful how much we glorify marriage. It's a wonderful institution, and I seriously have no complaints, but the implication that single people are somehow living less joyful lives is so incredibly wrong, whether it's direct or implicit.
The title was a shameless attention grabber. Marriage is awesome! But so is being a child of God, married or no.
Amen, Brother!
ReplyDeleteKudos Isaac! Perhaps you are writing tongue in cheek, but I think not. You’ve taken risks with your writing, so will I. You have touched on at least 3 key stereotypes that exist in our culture that cause suffering when one expects to experience them: 1. Being married is better than being single and thus married people are somehow better than single people, 2. Both partners should magically feel bliss in a marriage, 3. It is the responsibility of the male partner to be the sole provider and the female to be deservedly dependent.
ReplyDeleteThe third stereotype strikes closest to home for me. I cannot tell you how strongly I believe that each partner must be free to use their talents, skills and energy to make an independent living that contributes to the financial comfort of the pair. Our world is too complex and even a middle class standard of living is an incredible challenge to achieve on one income alone. Certainly, there are couples that have an agreement for a sole provider. And with utmost respect for your parents, you know better than I the decisions and choices they made along the way to make the life they chose possible. It is now up to you and Maeve to weigh the choices that present themselves to you at this time and make your own decisions based on the life you want to create together.
I commend you for your honesty, the quest for which is what will lead to a fulfilling life. Given your insightfulness and awareness I would bet that Maeve is an intelligent woman, or she would not be a good match for you. Honor her brilliance. Allow her to grow and flourish and contribute in mind, spirit and with money, to the resources you share and the life you build together.
Many thanks for what you’ve put out to the ether for consideration!
With respect, love and hope,
Clare (your second cousin in Colorado)
Thank you for your insightful response! Were I to do all of these topics justice, this post would be much longer. My intent in this case was to hit the awful assumption that single people have more miserable lives, while briefly making sure I stated my mind on the other two stereotypes you mentioned.
DeleteMy wife is often more aware and intelligent than I. I had some slightly backwards views on feminism before I met her, since my experiences with feminists up to that point were with extremely bitter people that hated men (which probably means they shouldn't be able to claim the feminist designation anyway).
I'm assuming that you are combating the "American Dream" trope with the man in a suit driving home in his Model T with a wife in a yellow dress cooking dinner and his two children playing in the yard, while working a middle class job that arguably (depending on who you talk to) paid much more than average middle class salaries do now. This left little room for women to pursue the education and career many of them (potentially) desired, and contributed to a little more misogyny. I think we can agree that shoving everyone into this model is harmful.
I know just as much as the next twenty something that this image is not easily attainable anymore! I also know that my wife really wants to pursue performing music, which I really want to make possible for her. She's still in school, so it's hard to find time to do that right now, but once she gets out I want to help her really get involved in playing at open mics around town, something that she's done a good measure of already. And if it makes money, great. It's more money for the both of us. I share everything I make with her, and if it ever shifts the other way that will still be the case.
In the future, once I've got some time in this company under my belt, I want to try getting into copy writing and other freelance work. It's becoming easier and easier to do that in this society, and I'd like to take a crack at it. This will allow me to stay at home more often.
We want to adopt, and we want to home school. Working at home (at least part time) will give me more time to spend with my family, and help teach my kids math, science, and writing, since I have an aptitude for those things.
Rambling done. I just wanted to get some tangible stuff out there. In the end (and we've talked quite a lot about this), we both want to have the freedom to go after the things that interest us. Quite obviously, our first priority is each other and whatever other family members come along. Right now, we certainly do fit the standard mold of the male breadwinner, but my wife is quite the fiery woman with her own talents and intelligence. I would be really sad to see them go unused.
Wonderful! It's a real treat to hear what life looks like for "twenty-somethings". Kinda odd when you get to a point in life where you realize there is such a thing as a generation gap and you're on the older side of things. :-)
ReplyDeleteAgreed, I don't think the best parts of the feminine perspective are about anger and complete dismissal of the opposite sex. But, everything in life has a flip side. It's funny, when I hear that word, I think of the 1970s. Maybe it's because in my small, day-to-day experiences, the women I interact with and know professionally, have pursued careers doing what they love and are for the most part, happy and successful. My boss, is the primary partner in an architecture firm that she started 24 years ago. She recently received the highest honor in her profession, which is Fellowship with the American Institute of Architects. She is an awesome roll model and I enjoy working for/with her!
I think I'm combating what's remaining of the "American Dream' you described. People don't grow up expecting to be Ward and June Cleaver anymore, but there are segments of our culture that attempt to make that dream work in a very changed world. Pretty rare though, I think.
How fun that you are a writer and she is a musician! Congratulations on your job. I must confess, I've read more of your blog and the stuff about sending out resumes and making calls with no response rings true. Maybe that's something your generation can change? :-)
Congrats on starting your new life and all the thought you've put into it. I wish you and your wife the best!
Peace,
Clare