Oh, Godfrey!

I work at a feed mill in Northern Utah.

It's right below the state border, which means that I work with lots of people from Idaho.

Lots of these fine fellers have grown up working on a farm or a dairy. This combined with a childhood in North Cache Valley has made this certain brand of hick especially quirky.

They say some funny stuff from time to time. I thought most of it was hilarious, and tried to keep my laughter contained. Some of my bathroom breaks have really been laughing breaks.

I've been collecting things that people have said all summer long that I found amusing. Like using "Godfrey" as an exclamation. I will explain the context when necessary.





**WARNING: CONTAINS LANGUAGE. It has been censored, but given the nature of the men at my job, there is definitely some profanity. I thought it made it more funny at times, so judge me if you will, but there it is.


Enjoy.




"I'm slower at this than a one-legged man in an a**-kickin' contest."

-A coworker, in reference to his speed at bagging feed.


"Use your brain for something besides keeping your ears from flapping together."

-In reference to the idiot sheep tourists at Lava Hot Springs.


"I hope that sum-b**ch blows up on him."

-In reference to another employee shooting out of the door in a 32 year old forklift.


"You buncha yahoos gonna get off yer biscuits and start workin'?"

-'Yahoo' is pronounced 'Yayhoo.'


"You lived in Salt Lake? You must be one of them rich kids, huh?"

-A supervisor, to me, upon learning that I had lived in Riverton.


"So, you married?"

"What's your wife's name?"

-These are interchangeable and are used shortly after meeting you by any given employee or trucker on the mill. Usually the second question asked, following directly after "What's yer name?"


"You weren't at the rodeo?"

-Anytime there is a rodeo anywhere near the mill.


"It's a wonder he's still alive, as dumb as he is."

-Yep.


"This stuff reeks."

"Yep, smells like pig s**t."

-I said the first one, the guy I was working with said the second.


Me: "Who's this for?"

Coworker: "BIG D**K."

Me: "Who?"

CW: "BIG D**K HARRIS. He's about four hundred pounds and he walks like a penguin."

-When reading this, imagine a five foot four man that weighs about two hundred pounds in his seventies with huge bug eyes growling through tobacco-stained teeth. It was hilarious.


"Ya wanna be in the airborne infantry? I don't think they've got a parachute big enough to keep your fat a** from splattin' into the ground"

-One employee, to another, when he said he wanted to join the army.




Hope you had a good laugh. I sometimes wish it was possible to sneak in a spy camera thingy, but then I remember that I'm working a crappy summer job.
Thanks for reading!

How to Tug at a Man's Heartstrings: A Guide for Girls

Girls, this one's for you.
This is my take on the things you do that
drive
guys
nuts.

Also, the things you do that are sooper awesome.
And make us stare. And stuff.
Basically, what you should and should not do if you want to communicate with the fellas.


I'm going to start with the things that are annoying, because complaining is fun.

These sunglasses:

make you look like a deranged insect.

Wearing perfume.

Speaking of perfume, don't wear too much. Just a dab to make you smell like God's flower garden is plenty. If you're not sure if you put on too much, take a look behind you after you pass a group of people every once in a while. If they're crawling on the ground with disheveled skin, gasping for air with bone dry lips and rasping lungs, you're doing it wrong.

Not all guys agree on this, so don't take my word for it, but I think it's awesome when a girl's comfortable with not wearing makeup every once in a while. To me, that speaks volumes of her character, which, quite honestly, is waaay hotter than 5 pounds of Maybelline's Fake Tan Foundation.

The duck face, for the last time, is not cute. It makes your attractiveness degenerate in the Honey Boo Boo direction.

Being exceptionally giggly and ditzy isn't cute. Some guys think so, but I don't. The general population seems to agree with me. Again, my word isn't law. Just watch the spazzy hyena level.

Not all girls are like this, but the gals who don't like getting their picture taken because she says she's "ugly" confuses me to no end. Nobody, I guarantee you, is going to look at that picture and go "Ig. She's ugly. She needs to fix her makeup and make sure that stray hair is tucked behind her ear. And that fleck of dust, my word, she looks like a hobo."



Now for the good.
There's something about the way a girl thinks, the range of people she notices and takes time to care for, that is really intriguing and fascinating to a guy. A girl, in general, absorbs more than the average guy, and the things it does mixed with a selfless character is very, very attractive.

When a girl takes the time to ask a guy a question, or smile at him, or give him a hug, it's like hitting him with a ton of bricks. It'll tell him a lot. Ladies, we're simple creatures, and we respond to direct attention. If you play hard to get, we'll assume you're giving us the cold shoulder. You don't have to initiate everything, but if you show some interest in a guy he will assume that you like him. Refusing to talk to a guy because you don't want to draw him in too much can sometimes be a rational measure, but not if you want to catch his attention.

We like smiles. Lots. Even if they're not directed at us.

Willingness to try new things is really attractive. Why? It reveals a sense of adventure. It's okay to let us know you're scared, and if something's really scary we don't think you're lame by backing out, but if you partake in things we know you're uncomfortable with on occasion it's really really awesome. It tells us that you're confident, spontaneous, and willing to do new things. Which means, probably, that you're better at working through hard stuff.

It's nice when girls don't whine too much about their problems. Sharing them with a male confidante for comfort is one thing, whining is another. What's nice and really cool is when a girl shares her problems openly and honestly (within reason) and sincerely asks for prayer.

If you're a Christian, I urge you to be transparent. Silence is better than fake holiness. Speak when you are led, and act out of a desire to honor God and not yourself (isn't that the point of being a Christian, anyway?) A woman on fire for God is super attractive to a guy on fire for God.

Playing with little kids (and liking it) is pretty dang attractive.

To cap the list (I hate to use a cliche), but be yourself. Ick. I'm pulling out the thesaurus.

Exist in uniqueness.

March to the beat of your own djembe.

Exude your own chi.

Ignore external pressures to alter your personality for the sake of the moment.

You get the idea. If you think guys go for a different kind of personality than yours so you change your behavior, you're doing it wrong. If you do that, and end up marrying a guy that dated you for a person that didn't exist, either he is going to be surprised when you aren't who you acted as before, or you're going to be miserable with your mask for the rest of your life. Wait for the guy that loves the good in you, and is willing to crunch through the bad. Not the one you think you can reel in with the right behavior.



Hopefully this has been helpful. Questions and comments are welcome. :)

Surviving College

If you're in college or about to go to college, this one's for you. Here's a few shining pearls of advice to getting in and out of school alive.


-Potatoes and eggs are wonderful things. Cheap, yummy, filling, and easy. Heck, I even found a recipe involving both of them at the same time, and it was reeeally good.

-Ramen is a last resort measure. On the underside of a sheet of notes crammed in the margin kind of last resort measure. Just don't do it.

-Sleep is great. But if you have an opportunity to chill with folks instead, I'd chill with folks. I'll sleep when I'm dead.

-Don't play Slender. It's a creepy game involving you as a little kid running around in the woods with a flashlight while being stalked by the slender man, a tall, pale white dude in a suit that follows you around and eventually catches you. There's no way to win. It's pretty messed up.

-Couches become more and more awesome the older you get.

-Accept the fact that you're gonna be wrong as early as possible. You'll get hucked around by so many evil professors, weird people, and general stress that you can't afford to live under the illusion that you have it all under control.

-Ultimate frisbee is the best. Dodgeball is the best. Movie nights are the best. Free food is the best. It's all out there. Go do it. I know people who have contests for the first week of school with all of the open houses/opening socials and stuff to see how long you can go without eating any of your own food. If you play it right, you'll be stuffed all week, and you'll get several new t-shirts.

-Find somebody to talk to about stuff that's generally not fun to talk about. It helps a lot to have friends to emotional-dump with when you need it.

-Try new things. Within reason, (see the fourth item on the list) obviously, but don't be a stickler that doesn't want to do a pickle-eating contest because you think it's too weird.

-Get a good bike if you don't already have one. Cheap, calorie-burner, and easy to take care of. USU has a bike shop that you can take your bike to, and they'll show you how to fix it for free. It also lets you borrow a bike for free.

-Having fun does not equal spending money.

-If you want to pick something up, just go for it. I started playing guitar a year ago. I'm not a pro by any means, but I'm really glad I decided to do it. It's a great time-killer.

-Make a good resume as early as possible. It's like ripping off a band-aid, but worth it once you have it.

-Farts are funny.

-Don't freak out too badly about your first C on a paper or test. It'll happen.

-If you're going to school at USU, just know that half of the people you meet will be married already.

-On campus food is expensive. Buy only when necessary.


And finally, ladies and gents, there will be those that don't leave high school drama behind. Be gracious to them, but don't think you have to grovel to everyone. Find more friends that don't post pictures of their two-ton mayonnaise beef-wich on Facebook.