Security Questions

I think I can say with almost absolute certainty that anyone reading this has had to set up "security questions" for an account online somewhere. They're usually pretty terrible. When you go back to that myspace page 4 years later just to check it out, you'll inevitably have lost your password, and a question will pop up like this:

What is the name of the third animal you owned?

For me, that could be: a goldfish, one of four dogs, one of two ferrets, one of three hamsters, one of 6 chinchillas, or maybe I was trying to be clever when I made it to prevent any hackers from seeing pictures of my greasy 13 year old self by saying "hair lice."

Here's what my brain does with a set of your generic security questions online.


What elementary school did you attend?

-That could be either Monte Vista, Jordan Ridge, or my house. You pick.


What is the name of your favorite pet?

-What do you think? Do you honestly think that I had trusty Rover by my side as I wandered through the fields with my bb gun, making rafts and forts and mud castles and stealing veggies from the grumpy next door neighbor? As previously mentioned, a veritable horde of animals has entered and exited my house. And I was fond of lots of them.


Where did your parents meet?

-A wedding. Somewhere. I know that.


Where did you go for your honeymoon?

-Not applicable. I can think of lots of places I would LIKE to go, however. That would still not be a good question, though.


What street did you grow up on?

-Jarred Road or Greasewood Drive.


What was the name of your third-grade teacher?

-I actually do remember this one! Her name was Mrs. A-------. I know this because I only went to public school for two years. Good. I can use this one. But what if I need two more?


What was your first job?

-Well, I've been mowing the lawn for years now. My other jobbish skills include weeding gardens, cleaning bathrooms, using fabled devices like brooms and mops, and spraying febreeze. I volunteered at a kids camp as a counselor, maintenance crew member, and program coordinator. My first "salaried" job was as a soccer ref for little kids. Depending on how "sneaky" I want to be it could be any one of those things.


What was the name of your childhood best friend?

-Again. Not stereotypical farmboy childhood with best friend Jeb and trusty dog Rover. Here's what my life looked like with accompanying social circles until I was 13:

Age 1-4: I was born in Utah and spent my first years drooling on the floor and crapping my pants. My best friends were the foodmom and the beardface. Until my little brother came flying into my life. According to my parents, I slapped him in the face the first time I saw him (cuz, you know, somebody else was getting attention instead of me for several days. And when I found out who it was, I took action. The attempt failed, and I've been trying to complete my vengeance ever since...)

Age 5-8: Still living in Kearns. I had a friend down the road named Trevor who I liked because he had a Nintendo 64. Those babies were hot items when I was a kid. I had other friends at my church in Salt Lake too. So picking one is kind of not possible.

Age 9-13: Moved to Riverton. Not a huge move, but enough to be away from the people I knew in Kearns. The first day we moved there Ben and I went to the nearby park and found a group of kids our age playing. We had to go back shortly for dinner, and we asked them if they'd still be around when we got back. They said they would....but we never saw any of them again. I had a smattering of homeschool friends, but a bestie never really emerged.

So there you have it. I could just pick Ben to make things less complicated, but then when I get to the point when I need to remember my bestest friend in the whole wide world, I wouldn't remember who on earth I thought he was when I made the account.


-What was your dream job as a kid?

So, you're telling me every kid wants to do one thing, and one thing only for several years? So incredibly long, in fact, that it's imprinted on their minds until the day they die and realize with the very last breath they take that they never got to be a botanist in a cute little shop in Florida? Give me a break. Yes, I wanted to be an astronaut, but I also wanted to be a marine biologist, spiderman, a jedi, a nuclear physicist, a marine, and a writer. Would you dare to insinuate that I was so narrow-minded as to only want one thing in life?



I hope you enjoyed it. Let me know if you have any particular pet peeve security questions.